Where is God

Lying on my sickbed feeling very desolate and lonlely I turned to God. I had so many questions I wanted to be answered. Having heavy storms in my life I asked

WHY GOD?????

I was dissapointed, for all the troubles I underwent.
Where was God in all this?
I did not feel sheltered in Him, I did not feel save. Something was defenitly wrong here.

It took me a lot of thinking you know, to discover why.
When first walking the path of faith I was touched by Him, which left me glowing and sparkling all over. I felt it within! God was the source and I was connected. It felt as naturall as could be.
But since I went to church I got immersed in a whole different idea of God. God was our heavenly father, to whom we go in need. He will provide for us. He is pictured infenitely good but at the same time he is a jealous God whom we have to fear. He also demands total surrender. It kept me worrying and worrying....

What did I do wrong?
"What can you give God?"They ask on the pulpit. Since we have al the things we have from God we are supposed to give one tenth back(to the church),only then blessings will come in.
I have not the means to pay tithes...is this the reason for our misfortune?
"What do you do for God?" Is the other question I hear every week.But what on earth can I do for God who is Spirit? And when I do 'nothing', it can even cost me my life? Like the very sick woman who was asked three times what she did for God and not being able to answer...she died, "there is no messing about with God", the preacher said to us when he mentioned this example.
I do not do anything for God(church?) so is this the reason for all our troubles?

And so I lost my connection with God.....
I did not hear his whispers nor feel his love within me. Cause I did not know who he was anymore.
Luckily I got ill and the fever burned al the wrong views of Him away.
God is the light within me, the source I came from, the love which fills me everyday, the strength that keeps me going. God is the universe, God is the essence of life. He has no form, He has no feelings, He just is. And all He askes of us is to stay pure, peacefull and loving in all we do.
I am so glad I found Him all over again!