donderdag 1 december 2011
dinsdag 22 november 2011
zondag 20 november 2011
Ik weet gewoon niet meer waar ik over bloggen moet. Er gebeurt genoeg hoor,daar niet van. Maar ja wat schrijf je op als je besluit niet meer in de rot gevoelens te willen gaan zitten?
En zo merk je op een dag dat alles anders is....
Vandaag was die dag.
Toen zoon weer eens boos werd ,werd ik stil, gaf ik geen reactie zoals ik zou moeten reageren. Zoals mij aldoor is aangepraat dat ik moet reageren. In plaats daarvan deed ik niets, ik keek en zweeg en was aanwezig in dat moment. Ik was als het water, vloeiend en zacht, maar tegelijk was ik als de rots die niet wankelde.
Zo wil ik altijd zijn,
zo heb ik vrede,
zo kan ik mijn vrede in mijn gezin brengen.
Zoon werd ook stil, keek me aan, stopte met boos zijn en ging over tot de orde van de dag. Maar eerst kreeg ik een dikke zoen en Zus een welgemeende sorry voor het voorgaande. Hij is niet meer boos geweest vandaag. Er was vrede in huis.
maandag 10 oktober 2011
- Very blessed with son's new school who adjusted his lessonplan so he can get used to highschool(he has a form of autism)
- Discovered a sence of peace within wich makes me soft and flexible as a stalk of reed.
- Discovered God within, he is there wherever I am
- Paid of a very big debt which alsmost killed us this last year (so thankfull and proud I made it)
- Thankfull that my neighbours burried the hatchet, even being nice for the kids (Bless you)
Celebrate every day again, in loving myself and my kids as much as I can.....and plan a little party....
- Keeping faith in Gods plan with the authorities who distrust my opinion concerning son
- Stay possitive while friends withdraw without as much as an explanation
themes of the month
getting the right help for son
get enough rest in between al the hassle
my intentions and key focus areas;
- Pray to God that all my wishes will come true.
- Enjoy every minute as if it were the last(I'm keeping this one)
- Learn more about autism so the family coach won't overwhelm me with his ways of discipline children
- Planning a little party for next month to celebrate the first two paid (very big) debts. 4 more (smaller ones) to go
- Keep praying.....
- Hoping I will get to painting again
zondag 9 oktober 2011
hoe snel gaat de tijd,
het glipt als los zand tussen mijn vingers terwijl ik stil ben in het moment......
Het is eigenlijk heel erg ontspannen om zo te zijn,
geen doelen na te jagen, aan verwachtingen te voldoen, aan de norm te voldoen....nee gewoon te zijn. Meer niet. Het gras groeit evengoed wel en problemen komen en gaan, maar ik ben nog steeds ik. Niets dat daar aan veranderd. Ik ben goed zoals ik ben en alles is goed zoals het is.
Wat een opluchting en wat een bevrijding.
Het maakt helemaal niet uit wat ik doe, voor niemand hoef ik iets te presteren, ik hoef helemaal niet te slagen, ik hoef helemaal geen succes te zijn. Ik ben al een succes op zich, want ik ben die mooie creatie Gods. Niets kan daar wat aan af doen!
En zo zat ik deze morgen in de kleine zaal van de kerk te bidden en lezen. Alleen, want in de grote zaal stond de rookmachine aan. Maar weet je, het maakte niet uit,
God gaf mij het licht in mijn hart, wat groter straalde dan ik ooit had kunnen vermoeden, toen Hij zij "Vrede laat ik bij jou achter"(Joh14:27)
donderdag 22 september 2011
maandag 5 september 2011
After al this crying of me I found myself a rainbow.Well sort of......
It reminds me of the one time we actually drove through the beginning of a rainbow,when we went to the hospital were my dad lay in a sleep coma. It looked the promise it never was. He went to heaven two months later, but at that time we were all overwhelmed by the glory of it. Its colours so bright, the bow so high, and the road all alight.
Maby it was a little kiss of God to strengthen us for what was to come.
Mabey it was His way to remind us of the eternal glory wich all awaits us.
Anyways, it overwhelmed me, and I still do remember.
That moment of peace, before the tears came, before the loss was definite, before all things changed.
Now four years later, That moment made all the difference.
zondag 4 september 2011
I decided to combine june and july and august for my small wonders contribution.
I was Ill nearly all of june and I slept the month through;-) and then there was the summerhollidays, So that's why!
- I rediscovered and got reconected with God
- found out that doing nothing(being in the sickbed) won't make my world tumble down
- I found courage and wisdom I never thought I had
- learned a very valuable lesson which has set me free
- gained a new friend in the process
- discovered I do matter
- discovered sons courage, who talked about how he felt inside to his father, for the very first time(good for you B)
- was invited for a holliday of two week, which was ever so special since I have never been on a vacation with the kids(bless you A)
I will take a long rest celebrating all this (big grin) with cake and tea of course!
- keeping the faith in me, God, my son and not to let me override by those who do not intend well
themes of the month
- stand firm in all that matters to me
my intentions and key focus areas:
- try to start painting again(haven't done that since my illness)
- stand firm in the dispute with the neighbours and housing asociation
- work in my garden
- Enjoy every minute as if it were the last(I'm keeping this one)
- Pray to God that all my wishes will come true.
That's all....for this new month to come....I will keep it modest
But none the less very much crying, very sentimental, very sensitive.
I know I am still mourning,
still missing, and still wishing,
but it feels different. It comes from deep within. Something is freeing itself, breaking loose,transforming.
And while doing that, I am crying my heart out. Letting go of the old dream of finding my soulmate, and have children with him. It will never happen. I have to let go.....accept that it is not for me....that what I have is what I got, and that it is all there is. I am so lucky to have my children. I do have that.....and even that is making me cry....
the new schoolyear will start tomorrow and I am not even prepared,
O my God I will start crying wwwoooooohhhhhh
woensdag 13 juli 2011
I made some sketches but did not do any painting. I just don't feel like it. I don't know what is the matter with me. I mean, there is nothing which is different from a month and a half ago.
Yes there is,
how could I forget. I have to walk 6 miles(nearly 10 km) a day getting my son to and from school since he was in a fight and they demolished MY bike. He is so frightened he does not want to go alone now he has to walk. That's a big change....stil feeble from being ill I walk....so I am dead tired.
I feel like hanging on the couch,
and sleeping hours at an end. I want to be pampered and cherished. That's what I want. I feel so lonely. Walking does that to me, no flows and no refreshing feelings for me yet. My thoughts whirl from one end to another. It makes me cry behind my sunglasses.
And my lungs don't like the walking either, everyday I get a little more wheezy(allergies and hayfever-season)
One more week till the hollidays........
zondag 26 juni 2011
I was dissapointed, for all the troubles I underwent.
Where was God in all this?
I did not feel sheltered in Him, I did not feel save. Something was defenitly wrong here.
It took me a lot of thinking you know, to discover why.
When first walking the path of faith I was touched by Him, which left me glowing and sparkling all over. I felt it within! God was the source and I was connected. It felt as naturall as could be.
But since I went to church I got immersed in a whole different idea of God. God was our heavenly father, to whom we go in need. He will provide for us. He is pictured infenitely good but at the same time he is a jealous God whom we have to fear. He also demands total surrender. It kept me worrying and worrying....
What did I do wrong?
"What can you give God?"They ask on the pulpit. Since we have al the things we have from God we are supposed to give one tenth back(to the church),only then blessings will come in.
I have not the means to pay tithes...is this the reason for our misfortune?
"What do you do for God?" Is the other question I hear every week.But what on earth can I do for God who is Spirit? And when I do 'nothing', it can even cost me my life? Like the very sick woman who was asked three times what she did for God and not being able to answer...she died, "there is no messing about with God", the preacher said to us when he mentioned this example.
I do not do anything for God(church?) so is this the reason for all our troubles?
And so I lost my connection with God.....
I did not hear his whispers nor feel his love within me. Cause I did not know who he was anymore.
Luckily I got ill and the fever burned al the wrong views of Him away.
God is the light within me, the source I came from, the love which fills me everyday, the strength that keeps me going. God is the universe, God is the essence of life. He has no form, He has no feelings, He just is. And all He askes of us is to stay pure, peacefull and loving in all we do.
I am so glad I found Him all over again!
donderdag 23 juni 2011
I have been ill, so ill I have camped on the couch for two weeks at an end. And still I am dead tired. Naturally I have not made any paintings,nor drawings, had not even plans for one. Insteed I have been feeling very sorry for myself, coughing and sweeting and sleeping and dreaming a lot. It was not easy to be that ill, this time, having lots of troubles privatly. It made me restless and anxious for the near future. And I could not do a thing about it. Have you ever felt that beaten?
It left me quite lost, and I suffered many tears because of it. I missed my mum so much for her wise words and comfort, that it made me even more crying.
But then the fever broke, and I started thinking.....in my head all was changed. My perception of the people around me, my perception of God, and my life in general. Got a lot of thinking done...had all the time for it between sleeping and eating. And now, still feeling tired, and still not wholy better, I am a new person. Or should I say....I have reset my mind to an earlier date, and that feels a lot more comfortable.
There are things you just cannot change without damage....more about that later on in another blog.
While searching for importand papers I found these little sketches above. Made it just after my divorce. Me and the kids, 2 and 4 years old they were. I pictured them as the little balls inside my hand, they had to be protected against the storm that was going on. 8 years later I see potential in these little sketches and I think they will be the design of my first BIG painting for this year. I am looking forward to painting again...yeah, I really do!
zaterdag 11 juni 2011
It's time to make my list of small wonders again. I have been very bussy the past month,redesigning my Bib-art site. Working on my linkedin and paintings. My friend has offered me her expertise. I am so happy with that.
My small wonders of last month were:
- Again featured on RedBubble with "Joy" and "Filled with expectation" and "Dreaming".
- Have been fed by friend and friend(thank you so much for sharing your food with us, Bless You!!!!)
- Have been painting like crazy for a while, made "Spread your wings..." and "Maiden",and more lies on the shelf* half finished.
- Done lots of homework for my creative bussiness under the guard of my friend. She is helping me with crossmediale-marketing. I am so blessed with her!!!!!
- Thinking out ideas for selling on the market here in the summer. Vey much inspired.
- Had lots of compliments about my work which makes me so happy.
I am going to eat a lot of cake and sip lots of teas to celebrate it!
- The moodswings of son and feeding and clothing my kids on a extreemly low budget.
Themes of the month:
-Keeping up the faith that I will get through this.
-Reaching out for help.
My intentions and key focus areas:
- learning more about marketing
- Launching my send a smile(still on the list ;-)
- Launching my etsy(the same as above)
- Unclutting my home.
- Painting and drawing and crochet at my hearts content.
- Fill in all the forms for financial help for the poor.(and cross my fingers afterwards)
- Enjoy every minute as if it were the last.(which is not easy in these circumstances.
- Pray to God that all my wishes will come true.
woensdag 1 juni 2011
maandag 30 mei 2011
Had a quiet weekend. The kids were with their dad. I had every opportunity to paint, and so I did! I finnished the "Maiden" and "Spread your wings" and started to paint on another very old painting.
I am re-painting a lot of my older works wich did not sell and which I think are not quite that good.They were a bit bland. Most of that work is on 220/300 grams aquarell paper. They are challenging because they are already painted on. I use these images for the next painting, at least that is what I intent to do. The latest painting I used and painted over and than washed it off again and painted it over...and now it looks sort of familiar but has changed a lot. Mabey I wash it all of again,or part of it, because I am not overly content with it. The beauty is that with all the washing it gets a worn look. I like that. I love the look of worn, faded, old and blurred. And still show the beauty ....
And again I have blurry pictures...I will replace them when I have made new 'non-blurry' ones. But for now, they will do to satisfy the curiosity :-)
zaterdag 21 mei 2011
Isn't she pretty?
(even though she is a bit hazy ;-)
this was the first attempt, already starting to look very pretty...
I have not glued the butterflies on yet but they look lovely don't they? I am so content with it already....
dinsdag 17 mei 2011
I am so insecure that I have tought for a long time that I was no good as an artist. The reactions from fellow students were low, the reactions from the teachers were all but encouraging when I grew in my work. Even worse, they became downright insulting. Friends told me that they could do it themselves IF THEY WISHED and fellow artists ,well they don't say all that much and give really low balloting points so I can not be found on the virtuall gallery I expose on. Sometimes I feel like I want to give up....it will never do....I will never sell one piece worth while....nobody is waiting for my work.....it's to simple........What am I thinking of???? Me wanting to be an artist. Get reall.
But then again,
last weekend, when me and my girl painted till late in the evening we had such a nice time. We sang and we chatted and I made these nice paintings at that time. Who cares what other people will say. Times like these are so prescious, because ,when I am painting, I am happy! And that is all that counts.
PS the paintings are a bit hazy because I was so tired I could not keep the camera still ;-)
dinsdag 10 mei 2011
Lying awake for the thirth night on a row , I am very tired. I have a lot on my mind lately. With neighbours who are not that happy with us as neighbours, having made complaints with the housing association and a son who becomes very nervous about the whole situation. A daughter who gets rebellious about it and me very sad. I can't help being a mum of a boy who has autism and has many outbursts because of it. Who can't walk like an elfin, and who has a loud voice. Living in a house which appears to be made of cardboard, the neighbours get annoyed and nervous because of all noices. The trouble is , I do understand it all. I understand the irritation and I understand the anger. I do. But I am also angry, for the lack of empathy and understanding. And so I ly awake with churning thoughts.
It's murder for my creative bussiness. Since it kills of the inspiration and leaves me drained. I have to go to meetings, talking things trough. Looking for solutions of the problem. Secretly I am longing for a new place to live. One with very thick walls, like a fort, and a garden so big no one would notice our noices. And no one would care about the state of it, not being excruciatingly neat. But alas....dream on Bibje....
It also made me consider the format of the bussiness I want. What will be wise to do. I discovered that I am no good in time tables, and how much I try to keep up with it, it just wont do. Evertime trouble comes or some other disruption, the whole scheme is in a state of mess. And all the work piles up. It discourages me and I tend to give up. Not permanetly but still...everything is on hold for days, even weeks when things are really bad. So how do I get things working for me even when my mind is distracted.
There I need the help of others.
So that is where RedBubble and sendasmile come in. So I can concentrate on a webshop in a later stadium, when things around my family are smoothed. These companies do the work for me, all I have to do is the designing and the promoting. This is what I will do this week. Learning about how to promote my work in a big way. Any advice is welcome of course, Thank You!!!!
By the way, I have again been featured on RedBubble, TWICE!!!!!
Isn't that awesome?
donderdag 5 mei 2011
woensdag 4 mei 2011
Following is the very first Question I wil answer.
It's not the first time I am doing this, I remeber writing down my dreams and goals about 5 years back in time. Just before I went back to be a teacher again after a long period of being quenched. I had a coach and she was good. She let me talk and then asked Questions. Most of the time my thoughts got organised because of that. Except on one point. I wanted to be an artist, but being a teacher instead she advised me to keep my painting and writing as a hobby and focus on what I studied for. She was really persistant in that and I gave way to her arguments. I could be creative as a history teacher as well I lied to myself. And of course she would be right in saying that creativity would vanish when it became something I had to do in order to make a living. I had heared that many times before. Eventhough I was not really convinced I went back to teaching.... I still maintained 6 months on the job, then my dad became seriously ill and I got so overwrought I had to stay at home. Nearly a year later my dad died and I made him a promisse to pursue MY dreams. That was 3 years ago.
So here I am, doing just that what I promissed him and above all myself! Asking myself questions on the how's and when's and what's and why's of my dreams.Feeling dizzy all the time because of the many dreams I have and having to narrow them down to a few so I can concentrate on "The Biz" instead of the "What would be my dreamiest dream". Now I don't have to dream anymore, I can start building.
The First Question asks the following:
-In your wildest dreams, what does your creative biz look like? Are you working fulltime? Part time? What does your everyday schedule look like?
In my WILDEST dreams I have a little house-like studio in which I do all my creating, it's light and bright there. Prefferably in a green green flowery garden,where I can walk in and where nature is at its best. I will paint outside in the garden in summer and inside in the winter,where I will have an nice fire burning.I paint the day away, and I will write and make objects, design al sorts of things. Create like I never did before.
I would also give workshops, having High Tea(Thanks Daphne for that lovely idea) or go out on a picknick and paint on a pretty day here in the dunes or on the beach.
My workshedule is something I can't define yet,because of my kids. Being a single mom I have to devide my attention between work and homemaking. I will try a shedule and see what works best. That will be one of my goals for the upcoming month.
This is the dream I am building.I have been astray for a while and thought I wanted something completely different. But in the end I always came back to this......not just in my dreams but also when I was doing research for that other dream. Seems a bit silly right? But then again....when the heart whispers it is not always easy to hear it right the first time.....
maandag 2 mei 2011
I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my creative bussiness and how to make money with it. Reading blogs of other artists who are already succesfull.How they managed it, what they did to get there and how they stayed on track. There are numerous e-courses to follow but they are expensive. Living a compulsory frugal live, I can't afford such things. So I was very happy to discover that Kelly Rea is publishing excerpts of her e-course in her blog.
This week I will dedicate myself to some soulsearching. And the questions from het e-course will lead my way. So stay tuned.....I hope it will be an interesting journey.
zondag 1 mei 2011
This time only in English...
I love the idea of making lists like this.(inspired by Louise Gale)
My small wonders of the month were;
-I have been featured twice on RedBubble, first with "Bey Dear" and last week with "The garden of my heart".
-have had some small wonders at healingprayer and feel more liberated than ever
-having lots of inspiring ideas for my new paintings
-designing my webblog and RedBubblesite all over again
-had lots of compliments about my heartpaintings
I don't know how I am going to celebrate this yet
-handeling the tempertantrums and grieve of my son who has a form of autism
Themes of the month were;
-finding my selfconfidence in my art again
-keeping the hope up
My intentions and key focus areas;
-launching my 'sendasmile' website
-launching my Etsy
-making at least four mixed-media paintings
-learn how to work with GIMP
-enjoy the sunshine in my backyard and take long walks along the beach
-try to visit my friends I have not seen for a while
This will keep me focussed for the coming month...thanks louise for your inspiring blogpost today!~
vrijdag 29 april 2011
Gisteren de hele dag bezig geweest met het ontwerpen van kaartjes en alles wat erbij komt kijken. Met een trage computer valt dat nog niet mee. Met de regelmaat van de klok valt hij uit. Dan is hij daarvoor eerst al in de hele langzame modus gegaan. Zo doe ik er een half uur over om uiteindelijk iets ge-uplaod te krijgen. Vreselijk irritant is dat. Helemaal als ik dan nog het een en ander moet verbeteren en de computer wil niet meewerken. Ik denk dat hij moe is. Vreselijk moe....eigenlijk al een beetje versleten en oud voor zijn tijd. Ik lap hem elke keer weer op, dan krijgt hij een schoonmaakbeurt enzo. Maar het wil niet erg meer helpen.
Het wordt dus tijd voor een jong exemplaar.
woensdag 27 april 2011
Maandag avond kwamen zoon en dochterlief thuis na een enerverend weekend bij pappa.Dochter was eerder met pappa en zij had een lief bosje fluitekruid bij zich. Geplukt langs de weg. Zoonlief was nog in geen velden of wegen te bekennen....hij was nog aan het plukken......En toen hij er eenmaal aankwam was hij niet zichtbaar. Zoooooveel fluitekruid had hij meegnomen. Pappa was zwaar geergerd en ik schrok me rot. Waarop zoon zwaar teleurgesteld reageerde, de bos op de grond smeet en huilend schreeuwde dat hij dit uit liefde had gedaan hooor!!!!!!!
Ik heb de berg in drie vazen gestopt, de wortelknollen in de grond gestopt en derest wordt nu gebruikt als groente in de speelkeuken. En zoonlief , die heb ik daarna flink geknuft, ik had wel wat goed te maken.
Last monday afternoon son and daughter came home from a wild visit with dad. Daughter was a bit sooner with dad and she brought a lovely bunch of cow parsley. Son was nowhere to be seen yet...he was still picking flowers.....And when he arrived we could not see him for all the cow parsley he had picked. it was a huge bunch! Dad was very much irritated and I was shocked. Wich severly dissapointed son, het threw the bunch on the ground screaming and crying that he had done this out of love, you know!!!!!!!!!
I have put it in three vases, the tubers in ground and what was left was used in the play-kitchen.Then I hugged and kissed my son....all was wel again.
dinsdag 26 april 2011
De dag na Paas,
Drie dagen alleen geweest, drie dagen stilte,drie dagen werken aan mijn Blog.Ik heb duizenden pogingen gedaan om mijn Blog te verfraaien en vooral(zoals het een goed consuminderaar betaamd)te versimpelen. Weg met alle tierlanteinen. Weg met alle drukke kleuren. Het resultaat mag er wezen dacht ik zo.
Verder geen nieuws, alleen een mooi plaatje van een pinksterblommetje wat onder de trampoline groeit. Zomaar aan komen waaien. Mooi voorbeeld van hoe ik mijn tuin wil laten groeien. Volgend jaar staan er dus pinksterblommetjes en fluitekruid en guldenroede en madeliefjes,paardebloemen, judaspenning,vergeetmenietjes, robbertskruid, klein kaasjeskruid, paarsedovenetel,wolfsmel,vrouwenmantelmaagdenpalm,stinkende gouwe,muurpeper, barbarakruid,kleefkruid,zevenblad,herderstasje,gewone spurrie,vogelmuur,hondsroos en hop in de tuin. Dat het meeste door tuinliefhebbers als ordinair onkruid wordt gezien deert me niks. het bloeit allemaal en het is allemaal uit zichzelf opgekomen. Oftewel, het doet het hier uitstekend. Over een paar jaar zal je zien hoe mooi mijn eetbare bostuin is geworden. Uitendelijk is het met een tuin net als met een mens, het moet groeien om tot boei te kunnen komen!
maandag 25 april 2011
dinsdag 12 april 2011
donderdag 24 maart 2011
zondag 20 maart 2011
dinsdag 15 maart 2011
vrijdag 11 maart 2011
Schreef ik vanmiddag nog over mijn wensen, sta ik nu stil bij de verjaardag van mijn moeders sterven. Het klinkt bijna gezellig....maar dat is het niet. Vorig jaar rond deze tijd zat ik naast haar bed op de IC en hield ik haar in mijn armen, terwijl zij wanhopig streed tegen de pijn en de benauwdheid. Had ik net mijn kinderen overgedragen aan mijn vriendin, zij hadden al ongeveer afscheid genomen. Probeerde ik vrede te hebben met het onherroepelijke 'wees' worden. Met het nooit meer samen, nooit meer zij en ik, nooit meer wij, gewoon nooit meer zijn.
Ik heb dus nog 1 grote grote wens: Een retourtje Hemel......of liever zelfs een abonnement. Zou dat kunnen God? Mag ik dan de eerste zijn die heen gaat en weer terug komt? En weer heen gaat en weer terug komt? Elke week bijvoorbeeld? Zodat ik even bij kan kletsen, bij kan knuffen, bij haar kan zijn? Gewoon, omdat ik haar zo mis.
Ik weet wel , het verdriet wordt al minder scherp. En ik ben zelfs dagen gewoon weer ongeveer gelukkig. Ik doe weer dingen voor later, en ik maak weer plannen. Ik kan af en toe best wel weer stralen en ik heb er zelfs soms best wel weer zin in. Ja hoor God, echt wel. Het is gewoon, dat ik niet zo lang wachten wil!
donderdag 10 maart 2011
Een deel van mijn bijdrage op http://www.mamsatwork.nl/.
zondag 20 februari 2011
Tich Nhat Hahn
Ik heb besloten dat ik ga lopen. Niet voor de gezondheid en niet voor de vrede en ook niet voor het lekkere gevoel wat je ervan krijgt maar puur, omdat ik geen geld meer heb voor benzine. Met een hele vakantie voor de boeg maakt dat helemaal niets uit, want zeeeen van tijd en lente in aantocht. Ik ben er bijna helemaal klaar voor. De wandelschoenen staan nog in de bestelling bij God, net als het mooie weer, maar ach.....niets houdt mij tegen de eerste stappen alvast te zetten en toch stiekem te genieten van de frisse lucht, het gevoel van vrede en de het idee dat ik mijn gezondheid een plezier doe.Gisteren ben ik gaan lopen, karretje mee voor de boodschappen(zo'n fleurige rode gebloemde tas op wielen), muts op en sjaal om en lopen maar. ik was zo opgefrist dat ik later nog een keer ging om vergeten elastiekjes te gaan halen. Twee wandelingen op een dag....HEERLIJK!!!!!!Straks ga ik lopend naar de kerk, en vanmiddag verzin ik ook nog wel wat wat ik lopend kan gaan doen.Dit wordt een prachtige dag!Elke stap is vrede!