small wonders




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I decided to combine june and july and august for my small wonders contribution.
I was Ill nearly all of june and I slept the month through;-) and then there was the summerhollidays, So that's why!

small wonders:
- I rediscovered and got reconected with God
- found out that doing nothing(being in the sickbed) won't make my world tumble down
- I found courage and wisdom I never thought I had
- learned a very valuable lesson which has set me free
- gained a new friend in the process
- discovered I do matter
- discovered sons courage, who talked about how he felt inside to his father, for the very first time(good for you B)
- was invited for a holliday of two week, which was ever so special since I have never been on a vacation with the kids(bless you A)

I will take a long rest celebrating all this (big grin) with cake and tea of course!

chalenges were
- keeping the faith in me, God, my son and not to let me override by those who do not intend well

themes of the month
- stand firm in all that matters to me

my intentions and key focus areas:
- try to start painting again(haven't done that since my illness)
- stand firm in the dispute with the neighbours and housing asociation
- work in my garden
- Enjoy every minute as if it were the last(I'm keeping this one)
- Pray to God that all my wishes will come true.

That's all....for this new month to come....I will keep it modest

Ow dear

I don't know what it is but I am crying over everthing these days. Songs, pictures, tv programs(the challenge), you name it and I am crying. I remeber me crying this way when I was pregnant. It did not take much to let the tears flow then. But I am not pregnant this time, and yes I am sure about that. Since the Holy Ghost is not impregnating women anymore I am defenitly not pregnant.
But none the less very much crying, very sentimental, very sensitive.
I know I am still mourning,
still missing, and still wishing,
but it feels different. It comes from deep within. Something is freeing itself, breaking loose,transforming.
And while doing that, I am crying my heart out. Letting go of the old dream of finding my soulmate, and have children with him. It will never happen. I have to let go.....accept that it is not for me....that what I have is what I got, and that it is all there is. I am so lucky to have my children. I do have that.....and even that is making me cry....

Anyways,
the new schoolyear will start tomorrow and I am not even prepared,
O my God I will start crying wwwoooooohhhhhh

Endless walk

It's been more than a week and I can't get myself to a working routine yet. I feel low, tired, digruntled....in short I am not happy.
I made some sketches but did not do any painting. I just don't feel like it. I don't know what is the matter with me. I mean, there is nothing which is different from a month and a half ago.

Yes there is,
how could I forget. I have to walk 6 miles(nearly 10 km) a day getting my son to and from school since he was in a fight and they demolished MY bike. He is so frightened he does not want to go alone now he has to walk. That's a big change....stil feeble from being ill I walk....so I am dead tired.

I feel like hanging on the couch,
and sleeping hours at an end. I want to be pampered and cherished. That's what I want. I feel so lonely. Walking does that to me, no flows and no refreshing feelings for me yet. My thoughts whirl from one end to another. It makes me cry behind my sunglasses.
And my lungs don't like the walking either, everyday I get a little more wheezy(allergies and hayfever-season)

One more week till the hollidays........

Where is God

Lying on my sickbed feeling very desolate and lonlely I turned to God. I had so many questions I wanted to be answered. Having heavy storms in my life I asked

WHY GOD?????

I was dissapointed, for all the troubles I underwent.
Where was God in all this?
I did not feel sheltered in Him, I did not feel save. Something was defenitly wrong here.

It took me a lot of thinking you know, to discover why.
When first walking the path of faith I was touched by Him, which left me glowing and sparkling all over. I felt it within! God was the source and I was connected. It felt as naturall as could be.
But since I went to church I got immersed in a whole different idea of God. God was our heavenly father, to whom we go in need. He will provide for us. He is pictured infenitely good but at the same time he is a jealous God whom we have to fear. He also demands total surrender. It kept me worrying and worrying....

What did I do wrong?
"What can you give God?"They ask on the pulpit. Since we have al the things we have from God we are supposed to give one tenth back(to the church),only then blessings will come in.
I have not the means to pay tithes...is this the reason for our misfortune?
"What do you do for God?" Is the other question I hear every week.But what on earth can I do for God who is Spirit? And when I do 'nothing', it can even cost me my life? Like the very sick woman who was asked three times what she did for God and not being able to answer...she died, "there is no messing about with God", the preacher said to us when he mentioned this example.
I do not do anything for God(church?) so is this the reason for all our troubles?

And so I lost my connection with God.....
I did not hear his whispers nor feel his love within me. Cause I did not know who he was anymore.
Luckily I got ill and the fever burned al the wrong views of Him away.
God is the light within me, the source I came from, the love which fills me everyday, the strength that keeps me going. God is the universe, God is the essence of life. He has no form, He has no feelings, He just is. And all He askes of us is to stay pure, peacefull and loving in all we do.
I am so glad I found Him all over again!

recovering

I have been ill, so ill I have camped on the couch for two weeks at an end. And still I am dead tired. Naturally I have not made any paintings,nor drawings, had not even plans for one. Insteed I have been feeling very sorry for myself, coughing and sweeting and sleeping and dreaming a lot. It was not easy to be that ill, this time, having lots of troubles privatly. It made me restless and anxious for the near future. And I could not do a thing about it. Have you ever felt that beaten?
It left me quite lost, and I suffered many tears because of it. I missed my mum so much for her wise words and comfort, that it made me even more crying.
But then the fever broke, and I started thinking.....in my head all was changed. My perception of the people around me, my perception of God, and my life in general. Got a lot of thinking done...had all the time for it between sleeping and eating. And now, still feeling tired, and still not wholy better, I am a new person. Or should I say....I have reset my mind to an earlier date, and that feels a lot more comfortable.

There are things you just cannot change without damage....more about that later on in another blog.

While searching for importand papers I found these little sketches above. Made it just after my divorce. Me and the kids, 2 and 4 years old they were. I pictured them as the little balls inside my hand, they had to be protected against the storm that was going on. 8 years later I see potential in these little sketches and I think they will be the design of my first BIG painting for this year. I am looking forward to painting again...yeah, I really do!

~

small wonders of may

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It's time to make my list of small wonders again. I have been very bussy the past month,redesigning my Bib-art site. Working on my linkedin and paintings. My friend has offered me her expertise. I am so happy with that.

My small wonders of last month were:
- Again featured on RedBubble with "Joy" and "Filled with expectation" and "Dreaming".
- Have been fed by friend and friend(thank you so much for sharing your food with us, Bless You!!!!)
- Have been painting like crazy for a while, made "Spread your wings..." and "Maiden",and more lies on the shelf* half finished.
- Done lots of homework for my creative bussiness under the guard of my friend. She is helping me with crossmediale-marketing. I am so blessed with her!!!!!
- Thinking out ideas for selling on the market here in the summer. Vey much inspired.
- Had lots of compliments about my work which makes me so happy.

I am going to eat a lot of cake and sip lots of teas to celebrate it!

Chalenges were:
- The moodswings of son and feeding and clothing my kids on a extreemly low budget.

Themes of the month:
-Keeping up the faith that I will get through this.
-Reaching out for help.

My intentions and key focus areas:
- learning more about marketing
- Launching my send a smile(still on the list ;-)
- Launching my etsy(the same as above)
- Unclutting my home.
- Painting and drawing and crochet at my hearts content.
- Fill in all the forms for financial help for the poor.(and cross my fingers afterwards)
- Enjoy every minute as if it were the last.(which is not easy in these circumstances.
- Pray to God that all my wishes will come true.

Hearts wherever I go

I stumble on hearts wherever I go and whenever I look around. I used to look for them in every blot, stone, shell,tree,crispbag and just this morning I even found one at the bottom of my coockingpan. It realy is a stain from the gasflame but non less pretty. Something must be in the air, it must, for all these hearts have to have a meaning, don't they?

Gods is winking at me.....

love is on its way....

I only have to reach out...

Than it will stay.....